On June 24, I woke up with period cramps. I thought it was nothing or even that I could be dreaming, so I sort of blew it off for a little. I told Dan shortly after and went to try and pee. When I stood up I felt unusually wet, I reached down to find a hand full of blood. I screamed. I was so scared. Dan ran to me and all I could say was, "There's blood!" and "Please tell me everything is going to be okay". At this point, Dan was frantically searching through papers trying to find the DR's number. I just remember standing there crying as my blood dripped onto the floor. I felt so helpless for my baby. The DR told Dan to take me to labor and delivery that's when I starting getting excited-would I be having the baby today? I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance at around 8 in the morning. A nurse checked me out and put me on monitors. I was having small contractions. They tried to find the source of the bleeding and ultimately they determined that I could be having a placental abruption. So they decided to induce me. I cried because they also told me I might be having a c-section. I called my mom because she wasn't aloud in the waiting room. I could barely get words out because of all the tears. Dan and I just held onto each other fearing what's coming next.
I was induced at around 12. I had contractions all day that were bearable. My dad, grandmom, Dan's mom & brother, and Mel waited in the waiting room. That night I was given some pain medicine to help me sleep. She injected me and within seconds I was dizzy. I remember holding onto Dan's hand and saying how crazy I felt. My tongue was pulsating and I was so sleepy. I would wake up with every contraction to see Dan and my mom their supporting me.
I was given the epidural on Friday morning at 8:00. The shot did not hurt. I was worried that I couldn't hold onto Dan, though. I had to shove my face into a nurse's boobs. It wasn't that bad, I really just used her to keep still. I got a lot of rest after that. At 12:30 they broke my water. They should have done that way earlier because I went from 4 cm dilation at 12:30, to 10 cm at 3. It was time to push.
I was so excited and I remember kissing Dan saying, "this is it!" I started pushing at 3:45. It wasn't hard. I held onto my legs and pushed whenever I felt pressure. I was almost scared to stop pushing because that's when I really felt pressure. Before I knew it, the nurse told me my baby is bald. The one thing I wanted was a baby with hair! I almost wanted them to push him back up and let him cook a little more. I hadn't eaten and drank anything for two days for fear of needing a c-section. All I remember thinking was, "The faster I get him out the faster I get a drink!" Which sounds horrible, I know, you would think I would be more eager to meet the man I have been harboring in my belly for the past 36 weeks. I was excited to meet him, though, more excited than I have been for anything in my life.
Anyway, I remember telling Dan then switching my head to my mom and saying, "It hurts too bad". It didn't hurt that bad. His head was out. The nurses were screaming for the DR. I was praying the DR would hurry up, I had to keep pushing. A RN ran in my room, threw scrubs on and delivered my baby. It all happened faster than we thought. Ryan Daniel Mathews was born at 4:09 PM on June 25, 2010. He was 6lbs 8oz 19 3/4 inches. Pretty big for a premie. Everyone thought he was fine and he was thrown on my chest as Dan cut the cord. Ryan was taken to get cleaned up as I delivered the placenta. The whole reason why my baby was delivered four weeks early. I think that was more painful than delivering Ryan. Dan stayed by my side the whole time I was being stitched up.
Afterward, Ryan, Dan, and I were given our hour of bonding time. Ryan latched onto me and starting breastfeeding. We were wheeled to the nursery where he was to get weighed. I was taken to my room while Dan and everyone watched Ryan.
A lady comes into my room to tell me my baby is having trouble breathing. He was taken to the NICU for assistance. I don't know if it was my drug induced state or whether I already had confidence in Ryan's strength, probably a little of both but I remember not being worried. Dan went to go see him down in the nursery. He came back up in tears, that's when I got worried. I really never imagined something like this happening to me. And even then I didn't believe anything was seriously wrong. I thought he was going to be back with me that night. Definitely not the case. It felt like every time Ryan got close to coming home, something knew went wrong with him. First breathing, than jaundice, than eating.
I wanted more than anything to breastfeed. Through my whole pregnancy I read every book, went to classes, and was determined to breastfeed. When he was in the hospital, I did not want him to have any pacifiers or bottles. But that wasn't possible. While he was in the NICU I pumped. I hated every second of pumping. I definitely wasn't making enough. It broke my heart to see Ryan be fed formula, and it was through a tube nonetheless. I felt helpless and scared. I felt like he wasn't my baby and I certainly did not feel like a mom. I hated watching other women cuddle and bond with my baby. I felt like he had no idea who I even was, like I was just some other nurse coming to take care of him. I hated it. It made me back away from my own son.
A nurse finally told me to just bottle feed him, if I ever wanted to get out of the NICU. I wanted to cry. Everything I planned, everything I wanted was down the drain. I decided to let him bottle feed him so I brought in the bottles I wanted them to use. The next time I came in, those bottles were not even being used. I couldn't wait to get him home. I couldn't wait to never have to walk in that hospital again.
I watched other parents come see their premature babies. Babies that were only 2lbs, babies that were much sicker than Ryan. How could they handle it? My baby was only in there a week and I wanted to die. I give major props to parents of NICU babies. It's hard. It takes a lot of strength to see your helpless little baby going through more than what most adults go through. I also want to credit parents who's baby is put in the hospital for being sick. Having to leave your baby is one of the hardest things in the world. I remember leaving the NICU as he stared at me, it was heartbreaking. I felt his heart through his eyes, like he was telling me to help me, or at least never leave him. I remember waiting til his little eyes were shut before I would leave.
Ryan came home on July 1st, six days after his birth. He weighed 6lbs 3 oz. The DR told me breastfeeding was fine as long as I supplemented with formula. It didn't work. He didn't gain any weight. I was tired of pumping. I gave up. I hated myself for it. But sometimes formula IS better. That's something I never thought I would say. After a week of formula, Ryan gained a lb and 3oz! Ryan is doing great so far, he is a total blessing.
